I had so much to say in Don’t Drive Like A Douche: Part I that I simply did not have enough time to get to all the things that really tick me off when driving into one blog post. Some included simple pet peeves, others concerned sincere safety issues. I had so much to say that I needed to continue this rant in a Part II. I ask again that you read this with a self-awareness into your own driving habits. Do you do any of these things? Does someone you know?
Read More: Don’t Drive Like A Douche: Part I
So here I continue with my rant. I know I don’t have all the things that tick people off when we drive. There are dozens. The list could go on for some time. However, I hope in these two posts I have covered the main irritants of our daily driving lives.
If you are doing your makeup while driving, you are a douche.
Yes, we have all seen this behavior. A woman trying to apply her lipstick or mascara while driving down the road. If they are safety conscious enough to do so at a stop light then they fall into the other douchey move of not moving when the light turns green that was discussed in Part I of this two part series. So you then become a double douche.
There is a really simple solution to this level of douche behavior. WAKE UP EARLIER! Give yourself more time in the morning or before whenever it is you have to be somewhere. It is so simple. If you have to put your makeup on in the car then you really need to rethink your morning routine as it stands. It is clearly flawed. Just like your face will be when you have an accident plowing into the rear of my car because you are a douche.
This goes for people I see reading magazines or the newspaper, a tablet, or even, and I am not kidding here, their laptop. Yes I have seen this happen while driving down the road. That ten extra minutes of sleep does not give you the right to put my life or that of my families in danger.
If you think the road is a moving slalom course, you are a douche.
Weaving in and out of traffic like you are a driver in Monaco on the Formula I circuit is a great way to just look like a total douche. I will also remind you that you are not a professional race car driver, and even if you are, you’re still a douche. I usually see Ninja motorcycles (which is an entirely different pet peeve) and the cars with overly tinted windows doing this act of jackassery.
You are not driving around people that you know their level of experience in these matters. Normal drivers are a wide range of age, experience, and fear thresholds. You are just asking for someone to panic and cause an accident.
I have seen on more than one occasion in my middle-age life such a driver pulled over a little ways down the road, and it gives me the greatest satisfaction. Tell me a smile doesn’t spread over your face when you see Karma happen before your eyes.
If you slam on your breaks when passing a cop who has pulled someone else over, you are a douche.
We have all been there. Traveling down the road at a good clip, maybe a little (or not so little) above the speed limit and brake lights just start flashing in your eyes like a bad 70’s disco light show. The officer is already pulled over with another car and everyone just freaks out about their own speed bringing the entire flow of traffic to a near halt. Dropping speed to well below the posted speed just causes a series of poor maneuvers from all the drivers.
If you see flashing lights ahead on the highway it’s okay to check your speed a little, even take your foot off the gas. Moving over in to the left lane, if safe to do so, is even acceptable. This gives a safe space for the cars that are on the side of the road.
Just know that unless you are driving like a bullet down the road and make the trooper’s hat fly off with the whoosh of air generated by your speed. They are not concerned with you.
Read More: Texting And Driving: Time To Do Something
If you tailgate, you are a douche.
I don’t believe I need to say anything else here (nod if you are in agreement).
If you don’t let someone merge, you are a douche.
While it is the merger’s responsibility to manage the merge, people who flat out don’t move over when they are able to are just plain douches. If the lane is empty next to you, move over. It is not always possible to do this, but if you can, do.
On the other hand, if you drive to the very end of a construction merge when you have had a mile to move over and expect everyone you have raced passed to let you in, you are a douche as well. I hate those guys.
If you use more than one parking space near the front of a parking lot, you are a douche.
Even the middle of the parking lot. If you want to keep your precious ‘Christine’ (pardon the Stephen King reference) safe from scratches at all times, then don’t drive it. Better yet, don’t buy it. Driving in and of itself puts your car at risk. So to take up extra spaces to try to keep it from getting a little scratch or a dent is just fantasy. It will happen sooner or later.
If you insist on doing this, do it in the very far reaches of a parking lot where no one cares. Just don’t take up a perfectly good parking space that could be used by an elderly person, or a mom trying to manage three young children. I pretty much have the urge to drag my key along one of this jerks when they are in the areas closer to the door. Take that, douche.
There are so many more I could go on about. I may save that for a follow-up someday when I have heard from my wonderful readers tell me about other things that are quite irritating and infuriating on the road. I look forward to hearing from you. LOUDLY!
Tell me what you think. Anything I have missed? I want hear from you.