Don’t Drive Like A Douche: Part I

I had every intention today of writing a really flowery post about my family and why they are the most awesome family ever. Really, they are. If there was a contest on why any family is the best, hands down mine would win. Instead I want to tell you about those who drive like a douche. I don’t know, maybe you know one. Or worse, maybe you are one.

Several instances between the store and my home took my great mood and stomped on it today like a dead leaf on a hiking trail.  Within a mile and a half, my whole attitude changed. My cheerful, happy self that was feeling like all was right with the world has gone the way of the Dodo. Now I am just sour, lemonade with no sugar.

Rather than describe my entire harrowing tale from the beginning, I think I will just go into the pet peeves on the road that drive me nuts. Trust me that at least three of these occurred between home, the store, and my return trip home. Within the course of about half an hour I almost felt like I was on a Spartan course on the road.

I have reached my patience limit with other drivers and somehow feel that if I were to go back out on the road I would wind up being the problem. Everyone I’m sure is thankful that I do not have more to do outside of the house today. I will take my observations and hopefully make someone aware of where they are doing it all wrong. Or I will just gain some sympathy from others who feel the same pain.

If you cut corners when you turn you are a douche.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been coming out of a neighborhood or I am in the left hand turn lane and someone makes a left hand turn  from the adjacent intersection practically taking off the front end of my car.

You go ‘around’ a corner. Key part in the word ‘around’ is the ’round’ part. Round your corners people! You do not cut across in a straight line and have your car literally in the oncoming lane. I am not playing a surprise game of chicken.

You are not to cut the corner so that it looks like the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle. Yet it happens with some frequency. I am well behind the stop line and they come right over it. What’s worse, is I usually wind up being the one getting the bird in this situation. COME ON!

Don't Drive Like A Douche

If you sit at a light for more than three seconds after it has turned green you are a douche.

I understand making sure everyone has come to a stop so that you are not t-boned is a smart move. It is what I have taught my daughters’ to do. However, when you are so busy chatting on your phone (which I have dedicated an entire blog post too ) or texting at the light, you are not paying attention to traffic.

Read more about my views on distracted driving here:

I want to get to where I am going. I have planned my time accordingly so that I get to where I am going in a timely manner. Do not waste my time, or make me start to plan even MORE time because you aren’t paying attention. Why should I suffer? Why should I have to plan more time for you?  What am I apologizing for? You should apologize for me, you are the one making me late.  When you are unable to put your full attention on the only job you must concern yourself with, driving, get off the freakin’ road.

If you are in the left lane driving the same speed as the right lane, you are a douche.

If I wanted to fly in formation I would have joined the Air Force. How many times have you been driving on a four lane highway or interstate and the passing lane car is just sort of cruising along at the same speed as the person in the right lane? Usually they are sort of flanking the other car’s fender. This makes it impossible for anyone to pass. I don’t know about you, but when I learned to drive the rule was ‘stay right, pass left.’ So why aren’t people doing that?

Most driving pet peeves are over quickly. This one makes me lose my mind. Sometimes it is what seems like 500 miles before the driver finally notices the flashing lights. It may take even a honk or two before they make up their mind to speed up and get around or to back off and go behind the car in the right lane. I live in South Carolina so I assume EVERYONE has gun. I don’t want to piss anyone off and cause a road rage incident, but we need to get moving people.

If you have super dark tinted windows, you are a douche.

Your car does not need sunglasses. Drivers of these cars often conduct themselves as if there’s a privacy fence around them. I have a personal theory surrounding this. The anonymity of tinted windows contributes to overly aggressive driving. It’s easier to cut someone off when you don’t have to worry about making eye contact with the driver you almost ran into the ditch. What are you hiding? I want to know. Not cool. Total douche.

Read MOre: Dont’t Drive Like A Douche: Part II

If you don’t properly restrain children in your car, you are a douche.

Children are precious, restrain them properly. Yes, I know this isn’t directly related to driving, but it just pisses me off to see kids jumping around the back seat of a car. Even worse is when I see kids playing around in the back of a pickup truck.

It even pisses me off to see kids just sitting in the front seat without a seatbelt. You idiots. This is your opportunity to teach these kids a little about safety.  If they’re  big  enough to sit in the front, make sure they’re buckled-up.

I really don’t want to witness your child become a projectile or read about a horrible accident where their injury, or death, could be prevented. Don’t let them tell you they will be okay. YOU ARE THE ADULT! You are not their friend, you are their parent. Do not let the tail wag the dog.

If your dog is riding on your lap, you are a douche.

While I am on the subject of dogs. If your dog is loose in the car at all then you are a douche as well. Dogs are a bigger distraction on your lap than a cell phone is in your hand when you are driving.

You may think it is so cute that Fluffy sits on your lap while you are driving, but it wont be so cute when they get smashed by the airbag into your face because you were paying attention to them rather than the road. Cute little Fluffy won’t look so cute when you are pulling him from what you have left of your teeth. Too gruesome an image? Sorry, not sorry.

Furthermore, the safest place for a dog in your car is in a crate in the very back if you have an SUV. At the very least, there are very inexpensive doggie seat belts that you can hook to their harness. It keeps them in the backseat as well as prevents them from being thrown around the car or out of it in the event of an accident.

I look forward to continuing this list next week.  You know I  have a lot more douche moves to rant about. I can’t wait to see what you can’t stand to see on the road. Tell me what your pet peeves on the road are, I really want to know.

Read More: Don’t Drive Like A Douche: Part II


Reinventing Julie - a blog for the middle age empty nesters


About Julie Mason

Julie is a nearly fifty year old almost empty nester. Life is interesting, ever changing, fun, infuriating, and Julie wishes to share it with you all. She hopes to learn along the way as well and write about anything and everything that strikes her fancy.

42 thoughts on “Don’t Drive Like A Douche: Part I

  1. I LOVED this post. I live in a suburban neighbourhood populated by yummy mummies driving very large, very expensive SUVs very badly. Sigh.

    Now, I have super dark tinted windows because honestly, I just wanted a bad-ass looking car. I promise you…I’m not a douche!!! Hahahaha! Keep writing, man. Your blog is awesome!

  2. I was in two car accidents earlier this year, and after you have back to back accidents you really notice how people drive like idiots. I hate the move where they are sitting in the median between opposite directions of traffic and they start to pull forward as you approach I get all tense and feel like they might just jump out in front of me.

  3. One more!!!! If you are pulling out of the driveway of a business onto a very busy street with 4 lanes of traffic and you INSIST upon turning left to cross over two lanes, you are a douche! Everyone knows it’s easier and better for traffic flow to just turn right, then turn around somewhere at a light so that you don’t stop the flow of traffic in the middle of rush hour! You could also just drive around the block if your destination is further down!!! But, no, you must inconvenience approximately 30-40 cars because you’re life is so much more important.

  4. I just loved reading it, just hilarious. I think we have so many douchey drivers all around us and we are very much practiced to deal with it! People don’t understand that we have other cars & vehicles around them and this is a great reminder!

  5. People talking on the phone or texting, and those messing with something in the car, drunks, and people who drive below the speed limit drive me nuts.

  6. Very funny! I have witnessed these drivers myself and pray they don’t hit my car,lol! I also don’t get the need to drive with your dog in your lap…silly really! But those are the same people who bring the dog into the grocery store to shop…I guess you nailed it…they are being douchey!

  7. Addition to the list: Those drivers who zoom past everybody in a construction area instead of getting over into the designated lane and then expect other drivers to just let them right in. Hate that!

  8. LOVE YOU POST!!! I could not agree more with your points. Well said, or written 🙂 Everyday I, along with many others, encounter this on our drives. Another that pisses me off, NOT using your blinkers! Tal xo

  9. I laughed at this. I have bad road rage. I can not stand for people to drive slow in the slow lane. It drives me insane. I also hate when people do not use blinkers. For the love of god, use them! I am not a mind reader. I travel with my dogs a lot and they stay in the back of the car. They are not allowed in the front at all.

  10. Ha! This is hilarious…and also so true! I have so many more to add…if you don’t use your signals, if you ride on my butt, etc. People can be so careless it’s scary.

  11. OMG when I first moved to DC last May after driving around here for a week I STOPPED cold turkey and didn’t drive for almost 8 months. I have never seen such crazy drivers before in my life. Between the wacky drivers and the crazy folks who walk out in the middle of traffic, I don’t know which one rattles my nerves more!!!

  12. This is hilarious! It’s important to make sure that you’re also sensitive to the other cars around you. We have to remember that we’re not the only one on the road. These are good pointers, really, people could learn a lot from this post and I hope the ones who need it the most will read it.

  13. I feel ya on this one. Just yesterday, we (my 2 girls and I) were heading over to go hiking at a state park and I got cut off 2 times in less than a mile. I hate it when people do that… I don’t get why people can’t take a couple seconds to actually look both ways before making a turn into traffic. It’s so frustrating since I just set my cruise control and have to take it off early because someone couldn’t be bothered to wait their turn.

  14. Oh my god, people who drive slowly in the left lane are my biggest pet peeve. I’m in LA and do most of my driving on four lane freeways. There are three other lanes for you to drive slowly in!

  15. Ok that’s so true and super funny! I would like more of “you are a douche” please! I think a majority of the country needs to be reminded what’s acceptable in life. Mostly in public.

  16. LOL!! I’m laughing at some of these points because it’s true. My husband’s driving drives me so crazy! He swears he’s a better driver than I am, but I don’t see it. So I love you honey, but you can be a douche of a driver sometimes! LOL! I hate it when people drive really slow in the left lane, too. It’s annoying. And I also hate when people cut me off by driving in the shoulder lane.

  17. Oh my god. This post is seriously perfect. I have an hour long commute, all highway, and I can’t even tell you how bad my road rage is. What gets me the most is elfin slow a** drivers who drive in the LEFT LANE!!!

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